Federal judge issues official writ of Shut Up Already to U.S. 'Attorney' Jeanine Pirro

It's not often our court systems deliver as weighty a punch as the Trump administration's various miscreants deserve, and that's mostly because most administration toadies at least half-ass their way through arguments that judges are duty-bound to consider as not entirely half assed.

Not everyone, though. Leave it to U.S. Attorney Wine Box to half-ass the half-assing of a legal argument to the extent that ticked-off judges feel free to kick the entirety of her ass out of their courtrooms. Congratulations, former Fox News personality Jeanine Pirro.

WASHINGTON — A Superior Court judge in the District of Columbia has permanently banned U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro’s office from bringing charges against a former Olympic canoeist over damage to the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

That would be the David Hearn case. Hearn, a former Olympian, was charged with destruction of government property for observing that the Trump-ordered blue liner sprayed on the bottom of the reflecting pool was peeling off and, allegedly, touching it. Hearn happened to touch the Presidential Pool Debris at exactly the moment President Dipshit needed to pin the blame on someone for his high-profile and hilariously incompetent renovation, which was bad luck for him: Trump soon began spinning tales of how the pool respraying had been sabotaged by Olympian pool touchers and by, supposedly, antifa agents hiding algae in their pockets so they could sneak up to the pool and dump it in.

I wish I were kidding. I wish a lot of things, in fact. But that was real, and we didn't immediately impeach Trump and ship him off for the medical treatment he so desperately needs, and Jeanine Pirro held a big fancy D.C. press conference to announce Hearn's indictment—pretending with all her might that this wasn't all obviously insane—and promptly got her ass handed to her in court when it became clear (1) Hearn touching an already-peeled paint scrap did not count as "damaging" jack shit, (2) even the pool liner installers who'd done the work soon admitted that it was their installation, not vandalism, that had caused the peeling, and (3) her team had to begrudgingly tell the judge that they were therefore dropping the case ... for now.

Hearn's attorneys weren't satisfied with that. They wanted the judge to dismiss the case with prejudice, barring Pirro's office from re-indicting Hearn even if Trump really super duper demanded they do so.

That's what Hearn got today, thanks to an unabashedly ticked-off judge.

The summary version is that Donald Trump Himself has made it clear that this is a vindictive prosecution based on a tantrum and, says the judge, I don't care how boxy a president's ass may look, you still can't pull anything you want out of it.

Trump, Edelman wrote, “has criticized the decision of the Office of the United States Attorney to drop the case in the most vituperative terms; demanded that the government reinstitute the prosecution, in part because of Mr. Hearn’s political activity and the identity of one of his attorneys; and publicly entertained the possibility of firing the United States Attorney as a result of the dismissal.”

Hearn, Edelman wrote, “faces the unique possibility that the government will revive this case — one that it has already announced to be meritless — based on political pressure brought by the President of the United States upon his subordinate officers.” The government “has no right to retain the ability to compound the errors it has already made, or even to threaten to do so, at Mr. Hearn’s expense,” Edelman wrote.

Even shorter version of the above: You suck, Jeanine Pirro, and can't be trusted not to file similarly absurd charges again if the seditionist felon in charge tells you to.

Honestly, this is probably what Pirro's office was hoping for as well. While Pirro's team had insisted to the judge that there was no need to dismiss the case with prejudice, since they had no immediate plans to re-prosecute Hearn, the Trump threat to possibly fire Pirro and/or others if they couldn't invent a new case against Hearn would be hanging over their heads from here on in.

Now, though, they can point to a furious judicial order saying Sorry Boss, Nothing We Can Do. The judge tied our hands. Slapped our wrists. Poked a big hole in our box wine. The antifa Olympian pool-toucher gets to go free.

Yes, a federal judge just lambasted Pirro and her team as untrustworthy and vindictive. But they're probably breathing a sigh of relief tonight because being humiliated is still better than being fired by Grandpa Asshole.

There. Who says there's no good news in the world? Jeanine Pirro made herself a laughingstock and permanently ruined any remaining pretense she had of being a Law Knower, and now there's an official Writ of Dear God Shut Up Already signed, stamped, and put into her permanent files. Gotta take the small victories where we can.