Democrats receive largest mandate in the history of mandates

Tuesday night's elections saw the largest political realignment in the United States in the modern era. With Democrats not just winning back the House and Senate by comfortable margins but sweeping state and local races as well, political experts are already combing through exit polls and other data to divine the reasons for the rout.

Uncharted Blue asked a panel of analysts, polling experts and voters for their thoughts. Note that the views expressed are purely those of the panelists and do not represent the views of Uncharted Blue itself.

UB: Let's start with the big picture. We've now had some time to wrestle with the exit polls, what can they tell us about the reasons Americans voted the way they did?

Bort Pollguy, Institutional Polling Institute: It's striking, really. Around the country, voters told us their top issue was "wanting Donald Trump to shut up." Most of us had been presuming that gas prices would be the main driver of voter anger this time around, but it was much further down the list than we thought it'd be. In exit polls, the majority of voters told us that getting Donald Trump to shut up was the main reason for voting the way they did.

Richard Flapjaw, analyst: Which is remarkable because of course Trump wasn't himself on the ballot.

Bort: Right. And most voters knew that, and I think most of them were pretty clear that there was no way that any of the candidates would be able to convince Trump to shut up, but they still cited that as their number one issue. Some said they'd be content if Donald Trump could be convinced to shut up even just two or three days a week, others—you know, this is really striking, over 30% of exit poll respondents mentioned the words "Donald Trump" and "piehole" when asked about their top issue. That's unprecedented. "Piehole"-related responses haven't broken double digits in any previous nation poll we've done.

Richard: We may be seeing the rise of a whole new class of voter, voters who don't strictly identify as Republicans or Democrats but who vote purely, or mainly, based on pieholes.

UB: Let's bring some voters into the mix. Randy is a New Jersey Republican who says he voted straight Democrat this year, can you give us some insight into what made you do that Randy?

Randy K, weld inspector: Honestly I just need Donald Trump to shut up. I'm tired of getting home every night and hearing about ballrooms and granite and drones with lasers, I just want to be able to sleep at night. I want to go to work without everyone laughing at me and asking me for ballroom updates or how much it cost to fill my truck up that morning. I'm tired.

UB: And Evelyn from Texas, your thoughts? You've been a stalwart Democrat since the days of Jimmy Carter. What message do you think elected leaders should take from these results?

Evelyn N, retired schoolteacher: The American people crave the blood of the unrighteous. We shall purge the fetid and the corrupt. Vengeance shall be ours, and those who stand in our way will answer to the sharpened blade of the guillotine.

UB: Powerful images there from Evelyn. Richard, what do you make of that?

Richard: Yeah, you know, I've been getting calls all night and all morning and I have to say Evelyn's perspective is a pretty common one right now. My phone has been oozing blood and wiggling around on its own since Ken Paxton lost, that's not something we analysts often see.

Randy: Wait, I'm not going to be guillotined, right? I voted the right way this time, I was just funning with everyone when I voted for Trump last time around. I just wanted to be a little racist so that my friends would think I'm still cool.

Evelyn, retired glowing schoolteacher: If thy repentance is earnest, thou shall walk through the fire of judgement and remain unburned. Otherwise it sucketh to be you, unholy one.

UB: Getting back to you, Bort, surely we can't say that this entire election was a referendum on whether Donald Trump should shut his rancid festering—what's that word again, right, piehole. Surely Americans have other things on their minds as well.

Bort: No, you're absolutely right. While a desire to see Trump personally shut his piehole was by far the defining national issue, across the states the exit polls are telling us that Americans really would like pretty much every well-known oozing freak to shut up. Max Miller in Ohio, famous for beating up his wife and daughter—he lost handily, with his district's voters turning against domestic violence and expressing the strong desire that he goes to Hell for all eternity. That's new.

Richard: But more than that, this is, if anything, a new and pretty heated class war erupting into American politics. This is about shutting rich American pieholes in particular.

Bort: There is some case to be made for that, yes. Voters expressed a strong, strong desire to never hear Ohio gubernatorial candidate Vivek Ramaswamy open his mouth ever again. And Vivek, I have to say, is one of the candidates who really benefited from state bans against tarring and feathering. He really lucked out there. But by far the biggest election night loser aside from Trump was another person not on the ballot: billionaire Elon Musk was an anchor on every campaign he funded, with voters expressing some intense feelings about how much they want Elon Musk in particular to shut up. Honestly, most of those comments aren't publishable but I promise you there are some remarkable ideas in there.

Richard: And because voters wanted Elon Musk in particular to shut up, they came out to make sure everyone even a little associated with him would be forced to shut up. These races were all proxy races in which Americans are trying to get Musk to shut his own mouth by the, uh, I think it's the transitive property? Commutative property?

UB: Transitive I think is right. A to B to C.

Richard: And Americans want to 'C' this man shut up something fierce.

Evelyn, retired schoolteacher and prophet, currently hovering: He shall be consumed in fire. The red planet shall be his grave.

UB: Thank you Evelyn, I like the echo in your voice there, it sounds very authoritative.

Randy: I hate Elon Musk too. Ask anyone, they'll tell you. I've already have an appointment with my tattoo guy, I'm going to get a I Hate Elon Musk tattoo tomorrow. It's not because you mentioned it, either, I just have hated Elon Musk for a super long time all on my own.

UB: Good to know, Randy, and thanks for sharing. We'll have to wrap things up here, more votes are coming in from Alaska and Mississippi and it's possible Democrats may take both of those last Senate seats.

Evelyn: IT IS AS FORETOLD. THE PIEHOLE SHALL CLOSE, AS ALL PIEHOLES EVENTUALLY MUST.