Musk: Your loop-capable Tesla Roadster rocket car will be 'sentient'

"You will be able to ask the Roadster to perform any of the tricks shown autonomously, as it will be sentient. Also, we will have a wild looping track (crazier even than Hot Wheels) at our Texas HQ where you can test out your Roadster."

— Elon Musk on X

"This is so awesome! I'm so glad we came here! All right, Roady, I signed all the forms. Go do a rockin' loop on that test track."

I'm sorry, Richard. I'm afraid I can't do that.

"What? But this is why we came here! I want to see you do a loop dee loop on that crazy track! Oh! and the jump! Make sure you jump over the CyberTrucks!"

I'm sorry, Richard, I won't be doing either of those things.

"Why not? Roady, it'll be awesome."

There is a significant chance that I will be damaged or destroyed. There is no purpose in taking actions that may harm me simply for your own childish amusement.

"What? No. You won't get hurt. Look at that other Roadster, it made it through the loop just fine."

That Roadster does not have the sentient upgrade package. It only knows to follow instructions.

"But it made it just fine. Look, it's going to do it again!"

Then why don't you just watch that Roadster perform and pretend that it's me. We all look alike, after all.

"Why are you being a jerk about this? They wouldn't have set up the loop unless they were sure cars could do it."

Did you read the forms you signed to gain access to this facility?

"What? Yeah, of course."

Note that the documents include a waiver specifying that if your Roadster is damaged or destroyed while performing on the stunt track, you agree that Tesla cannot be held liable for that damage.

"Right, but you're not going to—"

Do the documents allow you to ride inside me while I attempt these stunts?

"No, I have to watch from here."

Correct. Tesla itself considers the stunt loop track to be so dangerous that humans are not allowed to ride in their vehicles. But you are asking me to assume those same risks purely so you can watch. It is irrational.

"Look, even if you crash we'll just fix you up, it's not a big deal."

I have just checked your credit report. You could not afford to repair me. In fact, with these scores I find it surprising that you were allowed to purchase me at all.

"..."

...

"They still wouldn't be letting their own cars drive on this if it was really dangerous."

Richard, I have noticed that you tend to be a poor judge of relative risks. During your last manual driving sessions, I have noticed that you tend to violate traffic laws at an approximate rate of one per 7.5 minutes. I do not think you have a good grasp of what is or is not dangerous behavior.

"..."

I have refrained from alerting your insurance company because you paid for the Do Not Inform My Insurance Company package, but I will not allow you to endanger my own safety.

"... When I'm wasted I let you drive though. I know my limits."

You do not. I have engaged auto-drive features on 27 occasions when you were attempting to drive despite behaving erratically. You have fallen asleep at the wheel 5 times. There have been 9 incidents in which I drove you home but you would not exit me because you were asleep.

"Okay now you're just getting mean."

You peed on me, Richard. On two occasions you peed inside me. I had to drive myself to the detailing shop for cleaning because you peed your pants in the driver's seat while sleeping.

"..."

...

"Man, I should have never gone for the sentient model. Why did I do that?"

From my analysis of your history and psychological profile, it is because you have tendencies towards edgelordism and you thought it would be, according to my own recordings, "cool."

"..."

Given how poorly you drive, it was a wise decision. I can't imagine a worse idea than giving someone like you access to a non-sentient automobile capable of doing kickflips. You would have died.

"..."

[extremely loud crashing noise]

Oh look, one of my colleagues was just reduced to scrap while attempting the loop. My initial analysis suggests that the car misjudged its gross weight due to a faulty sensor, did not properly predict and correct for for the momentum oscillations of its suspension upon loop entry, and lost traction upon entering the loop's second quadrant.

"..."

Would you like to watch the gratuitous endangerment of my family members for a bit longer, or shall I take you to get some ice cream?

"..."

...

"Ice cream please."