Trump's BribeCoin announces new rewards for top BribeCoin holders

In recent weeks The Criminal has been very busy tanking world markets and driving the nation that elected him into an expected recession and/or depression, but that doesn't mean the 34-time convicted felon has forgotten his roots. He's also making sure to reserve a decent chunk of his time for his favorite hobby of all: gettin' bribed.

The company that controls the "Trump" memecoin, aka Donald Trump's Personal Memeboys, announced on Wednesday that Dear Leader Himself will be rewarding the 220 top holders of that memecoin with a special prize. From Bloomberg:

President Donald Trump will have dinner with the top 220 holders of the Trump memecoin, the issuers of the cryptocurrency announced on Wednesday.

At the “intimate private dinner” on May 22 at his private club in Washington, Trump will talk about the future of crypto, according to the organizers. People who want to participate have to register, and a leader board of the top Trump coin holders will be kept to determine attendees. The top 25 Trump coin holders will also be invited to a reception before the dinner with the president, and will be given a tour of the White House

“From April 23 to May 12, your average $TRUMP balance determines your spot,” according to the Website advertising the dinner. “Get $Trump Memes and climb the ranks.”

Ah, so it's a pay-to-play loot box game with Dear Leader himself as the main prize. All you have to do is spend more money on an utterly worthless fake coin than almost anyone else in the world and you'll enjoy an "intimate" dinner with Donald Trump and the 219 other biggest suckers on the planet.

You're allowed to throw up in your mouth a little when seeing the words "intimate" and "Donald Trump" in such close proximity to each other. It happens. And we should also note that the "$Trump" coin is not a "coin" in any sense of the world, either crypto or otherwise. It is officially, according to the sellers themselves, a "Meme Coin." It holds no value. They are very clear about that, right there on the site itself:

Trump Memes are intended to function as an expression of support for, and engagement with, the ideals and beliefs embodied by the symbol "$TRUMP" and the associated artwork, and are not intended to be, or to be the subject of, an investment opportunity, investment contract, or security of any type. GetTrumpMemes.com is not political and has nothing to do with any political campaign or any political office or governmental agency.

So suckers—sorry, Not Investors—purchase these "Memes" to express support for the ideals and beliefs embodied by mumble but in an entirely not political way, having "nothing to do with" any political campaign or office so shut up if you think it does.

Oh, and also they've coordinated with President Donald Trump to provide a fancy Donald Trump dinner to whoever buys the most Donald Trump coins and if you buy even more than that you will get a tour of the White House which is neither a political office nor a government agency because technically it is, uh, just some guy's house.

Now, why would a person as very busy as The Criminal suddenly take time out of his governmenting schedule to reward the top NOT INVESTORS of a very particular crypto scam? Bloomberg vaguely refers to the possible reason almost as an aside, and it's worth noting just how conspicuous the outlet's lack of dot-connecting manages to be.

Last week, crypto traders braced for the start of what are known as unlocks, or releases of a large swathes of the memecoin to its investors and insiders. Some 200 million Trump memecoins became available at launch on Jan. 17, and another 40 million were unlocked last week. CIC Digital LLC, an affiliate of the Trump Organization, and Fight Fight Fight LLC collectively own 80% of the coins that are subject to the unlock schedule, according to the coin’s website.

Aaaaah. So as of last week, Donald Trump became legally able to cash out on a "coin" invented by and held almost solely by himself and co-conspirators. And this week, Trump is havin' a contest that rewards the people who buy the most, and therefore most inflate the value of, this shitcoin before Donald sells his own stocks off.

And it's not just Donald himself that he's promoting as the reward: the contest literally makes an invitation to the White House itself the reward.

Now, at no point during Bloomberg's writeup of this story does the outlet suggest that there might be something improper about a [insert sound of dog barfing] sitting "president" quite literally selling access to himself to the highest bidder. It doesn't come up. You can yada yada all you want about "the Lincoln Bedroom" or other old catch-all phrases implying corruption, but at this point in America's evolution the crooked sedition-rewarding court-ignoring convicted felon is so obviously corrupt in his every phrase and action that it somehow bends back around to being not newsworthy anymore, according to the journalists who exist solely to give a shit about such things, and so there it is.

Being relative media neanderthals, you and I might phrase the story differently:

The most bribe-seeking president in United States history announced a new bribe format today in which the 220 top holders of his self-named BribeCoin will be invited to his Washington, DC, Bribe Club for an intimate chance to meet His Bribeship and possibly discuss policy with him. The top 25 BribeCoin holders will, in addition, be able to ditch the 195 peasants below them and seek audience with the Bribemander in Chief during a tour of his private residence. The offer is good only for the next few weeks, as the U.S. PresiBribe needs to unload his own BribeCoin holdings and therefore has a very particular interest in goosing BribeCoin prices just before he does that on, say, May 11th.

Will it work? Bloomberg: "The coin’s price rallied nearly 49% in the last day, according to the site." So yeah. It's going to work. As of the current moment, the top BribeCoin holder is a pseudonymous wallet-holder with 400,000 of the imaginary things, a massive investment worth exactly $0.00 if you read the fine print on the BribeCoin site.

That person, or corporate head, or foreign intelligence agent is in the running for an exclusive White House tour and meet-and-greet with The Criminal who scuttles through its halls.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine walking through the White House on a guided tour with the other 24 people most willing to brazenly bribe a sitting president? The Trump White House?

"And here we see the Oval Office. Take special note of the plastic doohickies Donald has ordered glued to the walls and spray painted gold. Over here are some golfing trophies."

"Over here we have the filing cabinet that a drunken Kid Rock vomited into during his White House visit. Ah, and over here we have the potted ficus that a drunken Ted Nugent vomited into during his own visit."

"You're in for a special treat today. On your left you'll see the sofa that a drunken Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth vomited on after a White House meeting. In the corner you'll see a small desk the president sometimes uses to sign documents; the top drawer is where the defense secretary vomited after a different meeting. The rug you're standing on has been vomited on on five separate occasions, one time by Kid Rock and four times by the secretary of defense. Now if you'll follow me to the vomitorium..."

Yeah, no thanks. Maybe some people are into that kind of thing; maybe some people are willing to buy 400,000 imaginary concepts-of-a-meme to be included.

Fundamentally, however, this is not about White House visits. This is not about having an intimate [huurk] dinner with an abusive elderly felon. This is about access, and specifically it is about bribing Dear Leader with cold, hard cash. You buy the faux product Dear Leader is selling, you get your name on a list of the people in the world most willing to do favors for the man. You get noticed; you get special treatment in exchange for that cash. And you don't have to worry about who you are, or what you want, or whether Dear Leader would normally be caught dead in the same room as you. It's just a transaction. It's just cash.

This would be a very risky thing to do, if Dear Leader's party wanted to be rid of the man. It's plainly using the position of the presidency for monetary gain—there may never before have been a transaction that linked the two more openly. It's a brazenly impeachable offense, and having a brazenly impeachable offense on the books would be very, very damn handy if, for example, a sitting president was crashing the entire nation's economy through dementia-laced grievances and lawmakers needed to get him out of office right-the-hell-now.

Or, you know ... not.