Every year on July 4th, towns and cities across the nation sponsor public fireworks displays to celebrate the founding of the United States of America, the greatest country on Earth and inventor of the Trillionaire. Washington, D.C. is home to one of the more spectacular celebrationsāand this year, will host what is planned to be the largest (intentional) fireworks show in the history of the world.
Over 850,000 shells will be fired over Washington in an attempt to set a world record, blanketing the city with light, sound, and semi-toxic smoke. If you're planning on attending the evening's main event, hosted by the Freedom 250 Great American State Fair on behalf of Donald Trump, here's what you need to know:
David S. Bernstein
When will the fireworks start?
The fireworks display will begin at either 10:30pm or 11:00pm or possibly some time between or afterwards, if the president's speech goes long.
Why the late start compared to every previous year?
Because Donald Trump will be there, and he plans on giving a possibly hour-long speech first. The president's doctors have advised him to avoid exposure to direct sunlight so his speech can't be moved up any earlier. That means we've moved the start time for the fireworks back.
Why over 850,000 fireworks? Don't even the largest U.S. shows use less than a tenth of that amount?
Because the president heard that the current world record is held by a church in the Philippines that set off 811,000 and got mad that someone else had an award that he didn't.
When should I arrive?
Because the president himself is attending, public gates will close at 6:00pm. Leave yourself extra time to get through our semiquincentennial security screenings.
Wait, I have to be there 5 hours in advance?
I'm sensing some hostility in your question, so let's be open with each other: This isn't about you. Donald Trump wanted to make sure this would be the best semiquincentennial event the nation has ever seen, with musical acts and speeches and lessons about patriotism and him giving a rally speech that nobody's allowed to skip if they want to see the fireworks afterwards. Starting from 7:00pm, our main stage will have our best approximation of those things.
Who will be performing?
Very famous and important people, you can be sure of that. But you wouldn't know them. Some of them live in Canada. Some of them don't know they'll be performing, it'll be a surprise.
Well, at least we can have a picnic on the Mall while we wait for 11:00pm to arrive.
Oh, no no no. The president will be attending, so absolutely no backpacks or coolers are allowed. One (1) clear plastic bag for food will be allowed, no larger than 12"x12"x6", and you can't bring in the bag if you're also carrying a purse, and if you're carrying a purse it has to be a small purse no larger than 10"x6"x2" and I promise you the Secret Service will measure that.
Remember that temperatures are supposed to hover near 100 degrees, so bring food that will still be good after being exposed to 100 degree heat for up to 5 hours.
Lemonade will be sold on site: the price is $9 per cup.
Joe Adalian
Well, at least I can bring a folding chair so I don't have to sit on the ground for 5 hours.
No folding chairs allowed. The president is afraid of them. You'll sit on the ground and like it.
My kids look forward to this fireworks show every year. Can children attend?
Sure, if you think your kids will be up for seeing an 11:00pm fireworks show after standing around for at least 5 hours beforehand in a crowd of flop-sweaty troglodytes then knock yourself out. I'm sure nobody will regret that. Also, strollers are allowed so if you want to bring your baby to the 11:00pm fireworks show you have to be at 5 hours in advance in 100 degree heat with only one clear plastic bag of food allowed and occasional military flyovers throughout the day, go nuts. In fact, since strollers are allowed but folding chairs aren't, maybe you can bring a stroller without a baby in it and sit in that for 5 hours.
Wait, we didn't think that through. No strollers without babies in them.
Olga Nesterova
Are there special considerations parents should keep in mind when attending with their children?
President Donald Trump will be giving a speech before the show begins. Please be aware that the president's speech may contain swearing, vulgarity, open racism, mocking of the disabled, contempt for women, general incitements to violence, the singling out of specific crowd members for violence, falsehoods, confabulations, bad investment advice, new declarations of war and simulated sex acts with nearby American flags. Some material may be inappropriate for children of any age.
Could the event be dangerous?
Look, probably, I don't know. Firing off this many fireworks from this many locations all at once takes a lot of planning and safety considerations, and you're talking to a group can't even keep our fully-enclosed glass-boxes-in-D.C.-summer-heat ferris wheel running because the generators keep going belly-up. After the first 20 minutes there may be so much smoke in the air that nobody can see a thing. It's probably going to smell like Donald Rumsfeld for weeks.
The important thing you need to remember is that our nation's 250th anniversary celebration isn't about you. We're not doing this for you. The speech, the number of fireworks, the clear plastic bag thing, all of this was put together because Donald Trump wanted to give a big speech and be in charge of the fireworks so that he could brag he was in charge of the fireworks. All the rest of us can do is hope he didn't surround himself with failures and idiots this one particular time.
Wear comfortable running shoes, that's all I'm gonna say about that.
Aaron Parnas
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