King Diarrhea orders destruction of White House, demands $230M in tribute

I am fairly confident that there has never before been a time in U.S. history in which "King Diarrhea orders destruction of White House, demands $230M in tribute" would have been a perfectly comprehensive and plausibly accurate headline, but here we are. You can read all those phrases and know exactly what they refer to, because all three stories are things that happened within the last week.

For much of the last few months, I think we've all waiting for somebody to stand up and shout "The Aristocrats!"—at which point we all break out in laughter and applause at what a funny joke it all was. But no. No, it's all real.

If you have been living under a rock, here is the summary version. Faced with massive national protests, "President" "Trump" on Saturday released a manufactured video that depicted himself, wearing a king's crown, in a military jet with King Trump painted on its side, flying over those flag-waving Americans and bombing them with an enormous quantity of what appeared to be his own shit.

A few days later, he ordered crews to begin the demolition of the White House's entire East Wing, which is now nothing but rubble, despite the historic nature of the building and without input from anyone tasked with its preservation.

The East Wing is being torn down to make space for a presidential pleasure dome: a convention hall-sized ballroom for hosting national and international elites with near-thousand person capacity, and one whose functions will be entirely at the whim of the president. Architectural renderings suggest it will take inspiration from the king's Oval Office renovations, which have consisted of gilding anything that can be gilded, then gluing more gilded things onto whatever surfaces are left.

This construction is taking place during a president-led shutdown of the federal government that has stopped federal paychecks, halted innumerable government functions, and which was at least partially caused by the president's insistence that Congress block all further investigation of his previous good friend Jeffrey Epstein and the ring of child-abusing sex-trafficking rapists that surrounded him, an investigation in which adjudicated rapist best friend Trump is known to play a nontrivial role.

And as King Explosive Diarrhea chuckles over the video showing himself shitting on America, and as construction equipment levels an entire wing of the White House to make way for a new Sex Predator Disneyland, the word also now comes down that the crown-wearing convicted felon in chief is now ordering the Department of Justice, which he controls, to pay him $230 million in financial reparations for having the audacity to have investigated him for all that shit he did, including the shit that led to the seizure of a small mountain of classified materials Trump was storing in his Mar-a-Lago home slash private club.

This is so brazen a theft of public money that even the expert the New York Times phoned up to give commentary half-chastised them for the call; his quotes are “The ethical conflict is just so basic and fundamental, you don’t need a law professor to explain it” and “It’s bizarre and almost too outlandish to believe.”

Now, you would think that AT SOME POINT somebody with a Republican pin on their chest would sit up from their nap, shudder with realization, and suddenly shout out something to the effect of "What the FLYING FUCK have we been letting happen?" and it is hard to describe just how much and how aggressively that is not happening, not anywhere, because King Shit-Dumper tearing down an entire wing of the people's White House while ordering his own government to pay him nearly a quarter billion dollars of taxpayer money as compensation for Hurting His Fucking Feelings is something the boil on the ass of American politics continues to have no problems with whatsoever.

I swear this man may be a Muppet. I don't know whose hand is up there, and I don't know why anyone thought it was a good idea, but I refuse to believe this is a real person with a real human brain in his head.

In the history of knowing about things, we have identified only one thing that Hose Speaker Mike Johnson, leader of the most corrupt Congress in all of American history, knows about. He knows what porn his adult son likes. That's it. His brain appears to be otherwise entirely disengaged. There is nothing that happens anywhere in America that ever makes it to the attention of Mike Johnson—no news event, no national emergency, no anything—unless it is one of the two to three things Republican strategists have stuffed in his ear-hole for him to dispense out his mouth-hole that day.

Who should be the marquee performer at the Super Bowl halftime show? He has an opinion on that. Should a giggling president pretend to dump shit on Americans while demolishing the White House and writing himself a taxpayer check for a quarter billion dollars of fuck-you money? No, sorry. Sorry, haven't read the white papers on that. Hey, maybe he'll use a few bucks of that money to give an orphan a cheeseburger, wouldn't you feel stupid for trying to keep him from doing that.

So that is all stuff that has been happening, and if you need a minute to catch your breath? Go for it. We're all going to protect our health by not even mentioning that simultaneously to releasing the "King Trump shits on you" video, the Trump administration also bombed Interstate 5 for some reason.

No, really. The king's weird vice president and incompetent secretary of boom-booms demanded a live-fire military show at Camp Pendleton, between San Diego and Los Angeles, only to see the vice presidential motorcade damaged by shrapnel because they were shooting live shells over the interstate and one of those shells detonated prematurely, as they sometimes do, and rained chunks over Highway Patrol vehicles parked on the nearest ramp.

Oh, and the backstory here is that the two possibly drunk government functionaries for whom this whole stunt was performed originally demanded the interstate be kept open during the exercise—it was California's governor who ordered it closed to protect motorists. Drunky and Trump's personal colon gerbil? They both thought it would be funnier to do the shelling over civilian heads.

But we're not going to talk about that one! No sir! Can't make us! We only have room in our headlines for three separate national humiliations at once, and that just leaves room for "president releases video in which he shits on you," "president demolishes White House wing to build pleasure dome," and "president orders subordinates to transfer $230 million in taxpayer funds to his personal accounts." That's all!

So have a pleasant week, America. By this time next week it's quite possible that Trump will have demolished the Lincoln Memorial in order to put up a new Trump Hotel and Casino. He may announce that the Washington Monument will be torn down to make room for a 500 foot tall statue of America's Pedophile, Jeffrey Epstein. He may order a U.S. aircraft carrier to sail up the Rio Grande, then bomb the thing to smithereens when it runs aground barely past the mouth.

None of us thought that a president could order the White House be torn down. None of us thought he could order a quarter billion in cash be put into his own pocket. But that was before the Republican Party became an organized crime ring with a barely human shit fountain as its centerpiece, so here. We. Are.