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Introducing EightGPT, the A.I. built by executives, for executives

EightGPT is the first A.I. product that can promise Executive-Level Accuracy—and at a fraction of the cost of similar products.

4 min read

The A.I. revolution is taking the world by storm. The technology that was once limited to answering the most onerous and expensive scientific questions is now, in its newest Large Language Model incarnation, already seeing widespread use in denying medical insurance claims, creating artificial internet trolls, and in releasing humans from the drudgery of creating their own poems, art, music, and deciding which of nine pictures contains a motorcycle.

Corporate boardrooms are now hounding tech departments to bring new A.I. synergies to their own companies—but many of those companies have no need for expensive A.I. solutions. Traditional A.I. integrations require internet connectivity, expensive licensing, and enormous computational power.

Here at Uncharted Blue Industries, we've developed a business-friendly alternative to traditional Large Language Models. Introducing EightGPT: The A.I. for executives.

Linguists have long known that many lingually and lexically complex questions can be simplified into versions that require only a "yes" or "no" answer. This is especially true in the boardrooms of the world's top companies; the top strategic thinkers of international conglomerates don't have time to listen to chatbot-generated arguments each time they must make a critical business decision. They only want answers, and they want them fast.

That's where EightGPT comes in. EightGPT uses quantum-like processes to return yes or no answers to any question you can think of, and even questions you haven't yet thinked of. But it doesn't stop there: EightGPT will also tell you how certain it is of its calculated result. Traditional large language models won't tell you whether the results they're returning are more likely to be true or to be something less than true, but the statistical models built into EightGPT's Fluid Decision Network(tm) also calculate confidence intervals, Pete values, and similar number-like values.

Using EightGPT

EightGPT works without an internet connection and needs no electricity. To ask EightGPT a question, hold your company's EightGPT-issued Decision Orb in both hands and speak your question into the Input/Output Window. Rotate the orb vigorously, as if you were rinsing off a large and expensive commemorative golf ball.

Rotating the orb energizes EightGPT's patented Knowledge Juice, an analog neural network-like substance that uses quantum-adjacent fluid mechanical principles to model your question and weight likely outputs on the molecular level. Resulting calculations will be converted to natural language displayed the Decision Orb's Input/Output Window.

Interpreting EightGPT Output

Most EightGPT output is easily understood. Under some circumstances the Decision Orb will display an error message; most can be easily resolved by asking your question again or by consulting your company's technology department.

Reply hazy, try again or ask again later: The Decision Orb requires more time to calculate the most suitable response for your query. Wait several seconds, then re-input your query.

Cannot predict now: The answer to your question is especially complex, possibly due to quantum uncertainties in the Knowledge Fluid. Asking your question in a slightly higher-pitched or lower-pitched voice is likely to solve the problem.

Concentrate and ask again: A user input error has occurred: While the Decision Orb was able to process your question, it believes that you were not asking it with sufficient emotion or conviction. Correct your tone and re-ask your question.

Better not tell you now: IMPORTANT. This rare error condition indicates that the Decision Orb has encountered a quantum paradox, one in which revealing the answer to your question my result in an irrecoverable timeline split and the generation of one or more parallel worlds. DO NOT ASK YOUR QUESTION AGAIN. Immediately return your Decision Orb to our customer service department for very expensive repairs.

Bubbles appearing in the Input/Output Window is a sign of user error. The user has over-energized the Orb's Knowledge Juice, resulting in overheating. Remember to shake the Decision Orb with only as much force as you would use on an intern's head: Enough to emphasize the importance of your question, but not so much as to require the intervention of Human Resources. If the bubbles do not go away over time your Decision Orb may require servicing.

Advantages of using EightGPT

Environmentally Friendly: Because it uses no electricity and needs no centralized servers, EightGPT is immeasurably more efficient than other Large Language Models. Inclusion of A.I. into corporate workflows has drastically increased the carbon footprint of some companies, a change that is not likely to go unnoticed by environmental activists. EightGPT can reduce your carbon footprint and help your company "go green." (For companies that do not want to "go green," we now offer an enhanced licensing solution in which EightGPT service technicians will find and step on one (1) endangered tropical bird for each question asked. Call for availability and pricing.)

Executive-Level Accuracy: While other Large Language Models strive for high levels of accuracy, we believe most corporate-level A.I. tasks require much less precision. EightGPT is designed to produce "Executive-Level Accuracy," or accuracy on par or better than that of human corporate executives. No A.I. company will offer a true guarantee of the accuracy of their systems; why would you pay more to purchase A.I. solutions from companies that won't stand by their own products?

Budget-friendly: Our competitors charge corporate users each time they ask a question or require expensive per-month licensing fees. Each EightGPT Knowledge Orb can be licensed for a one-time payment of One Million Dollars. (Orb service contracts start at $1,000/month and do not include hourly fees.)

Expert prompt technicians just one call away: Just because your company has joined the A.I. revolution doesn't mean you have to staff up your company's I.T. department with expensive LLM "prompt technicians." Our company's own prompt technicians are always on stand by, ready to translate your questions into proper yes/no format for just $200 per question. Our prompt technicians have up to 100 years of A.I. experience. (Service may be unavailable during recess.)

Terms and Conditions

Uncharted Blue Industries cannot be held responsible for the accuracy of EightGPT-generated results. As with other large language models, EightGPT's quantum-adjacent Knowledge Juice may turn false or "hallucinatory" results. End users are responsible for researching the accuracy of EightGPT-generated results before making business-critical decisions.

Your Decision Orb comes pre-calibrated and may be used by the corporate executive identified in the EightGPT license agreement. Sharing the Decision Orb with others is prohibited. If additional EightGPT Decision Orbs are needed they must be purchased and licensed separately.

Uncharted Blue Industries is aware of FTC allegations relating to our product and vehemently disputes the FTC's characterizations of analog A.I. devices as either "random" or without "feelings." Uncharted Blue can assert that every EightGPT Decision Orb loves you very much and is working hard to make you and your corporation successful.

Hunter Lazzaro

A humorist, satirist, and political commentator, Hunter Lazzaro has been writing about American news, politics, and culture for twenty years.

Working from rural Northern California, Hunter is assisted by an ever-varying number of horses, chickens, sheep, cats, fence-breaking cows, the occasional bobcat and one fish-stealing heron.


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