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Comrades, The Revolution Is Upon Us

3 min read

From the archives. Originally published July 25, 2007.

The DailyKos now has a posting calling for the violent overthrow of the government.
-- Bill O'Reilly
Fox News

It is time, my comrades. Our plan for taking over the American government has nearly achieved fruition. Through the deviousness of our voting for people who are not ultraconservatives, our plans to hold dozens upon dozens of Republicans accountable for illegal acts that they themselves initiated, executed and profited from, and our mind rays that cause otherwise upstanding conservative legislators to seek the buggery of children, we have nearly won the day.

We shall not be defeated. Once the revolution comes, the American right will be crushed under the mighty weight of our agenda. We shall confuse them all by being nice to children and the elderly; we shall sap their resolve by allowing black people to vote unhindered. We shall confound them via our insistence that illegal actions even by rich people should be prosecuted. They will be wounded by our commitment towards health care for all, then we will double the injury by treating their wounds using the very same programs. Their lungs will burn from the oppressively clean air: their green, lush yards will be choked with our expanding forests. Freed from the toxic scourge of DDT, Bald Eagles will return to the countryside and crap on their cars. We will call it Freedom Crap, and it will contain fish bones of Justice and unidentifiable, jelly-like chunks of Liberty.

Soon our vast nationwide array of rooftop solar panels will be complete. These fools -- even now, they do not comprehend that government incentive programs have enabled us to build an interconnected grid capable of harnessing the power of the very sun itself! When our infrastructure has been completed, we shall move to phase two of our devious plan: at the designated moment, every one of us shall switch our solar panels on and off really fast, and that will make the lights in their house blink on and off and really piss them off when they are attempting to watch documentaries about Hitler on the History Channel.

Already, we are infiltrating the minds of their children. They have not realized the iPod conspiracy -- a fiendish device pumping subliminal messages of tolerance and equality into the ears of their impressionable youth. Using our technology, we shall create the foundations of a generation that knows not to be total dicks towards people of other ethnic groups and religions. Their children are listening to music by an unending stream of gay, bisexual, and even Canadian artists: now, they are ours. They will go dancing, and eat dolphin-safe tuna. They will install energy efficient light bulbs, and live next to brown people. They will feel a twinge of sadness about buying clothing made by enslaved and brutally mistreated children, even if Republican congressmen take time out from their industry-sponsored golf trips to say that it's all OK.

Our campaign to wipe out lead based paint has almost entirely succeeded. Without the knowledge of their parents, nearly an entire generation has been raised without eating paint that turns them stupid. Who is to say what wonders might unfold before them? Will theirs be the first generation to truly understand compound interest?

Our fictions about the cause of global warming have been continually broadcast by our tightly controlled media conspirators. Now all will be unsuspecting when stronger hurricanes and higher sea levels hit our shores in the coming decades. They will think that it is because of the astonishing amounts of pollution being pumped into our atmosphere: they shall not realize that for generations, the only thing holding higher seas and temperatures in check was prayer in schools. Now the waters will flood our liberal coastal cities, and we shall be forced at government expense to buy property in the conservative inland parts of the country. We shall introduce organic coop markets throughout the land, and buy organic fruit, and put rainbow flags on little poles next to our driveways. Our children will play alongside theirs in parks outfitted with the latest in spiral safety slides; sandboxes shall be mandated to only contain certified all-natural cat poop.

Schools will teach science. Government will obey the laws it itself passes. Our armies will be used to protect us from our enemies, instead of being routed through the Napoleonic dreams of hegemony crafted by morons. We will allow private companies to test their meat for mad cow disease, instead of suing them to block the tests because knowing the answer would "make people sad." Perhaps we shall even introduce dental care for children, as the final death knell to the conservative movement. The blinding cavity-free smiles of our sons and daughters shall dazzle them, rendering them incapable of retaliation.

Please put yourself at readiness, comrades, for our victory fast approaches. I presume everyone has acquired ten pounds of Roquefort cheese, as instructed in your manual? When the time comes to use it, you will know.

Our time is nigh. We shall crush our enemies under the cruel heel of our basic goddamned f--king competence. That, plus the cheese thing.


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