The Epstein Files, Abridged

On Friday, The Donald Trump Memorial Department of Justice released another long-awaited tranche of documents related to the federal case against dead child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. As with the previous release, this new release was shoddily redacted and seems conspicuously light in references to self-asserted Epstein best friend Donald Trump; unlike the previous release, this one's about 3 million pages long. Former Trump lawyer turned Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche now insists that that is all the cough-relevant-cough files in his department's possession and that nothing more needs to be released, no sir, absolutely not.

Sorting through 3 million pages of a dead pedophile's emails, photographs, et cetera is a slog, however. For those of you who don't want to read through all the grotesqueries and just want the summary version of what's been found so far, I've put together my own summary version. It may not be entirely accurate because I used artificial intelligence or Donkey Kong or whatever. Presenting: The Epstein Files, Abridged.

JEFFREY EPSTEIN: God I love going to my pedophile island. I love being in charge of my own pedophile club, one with its own sex trafficking jet for doing pedophilia. Sucks that I had to do that plea deal for sex trafficking a few years back though.

SOME GUY NAMED HARVEY: Hey Jeff, I just got your latest guest list for your sex crimes Christmas party. I can't believe so many important people want to hang out with you only a few months after you were finally released from house arrest for your sex crimes!

EPSTEIN: Yeah, make super sure we treat that Kevin guy right, his wife is rich as snot and I have a hunch that someday my best friend Donald Trump is going to nominate him to be chairman of the Federal Reserve at some point.

BILLIONARE WHO IS CURRENT MEMBER OF TRUMP'S CABINET: Hey Jeff how are you doing? Must have been hard to be convicted of child sex trafficking, amiright? Glad you made it through it! Anyway, can I come to your sex crime island? Oh, and I want to bring another couple that likes hanging out on sex crime islands. Also we're going to bring our eight young children, ages 16 through 7, to your sex crime island.

EPSTEIN: Sure thing my dude, just look for sex crime island on any map and pull your boat up, we'll be here. Do your kids like Xbox? My girlfriends finished their math homework and are hella bored so please bring an Xbox.

MICROSOFT: Hello Jeffrey Epstein this is Xbox LIVE. You are hereby banned from Xbox Live on account of being a convicted sex offender.

EPSTEIN: Goddamn it, first Chuck E. Cheese and now this. Could my dating life get any worse.

WEALTHY CO-OWNER OF NFL TEAM: Hey just checking in on that young girl you brought me, not that one but the other one, the one you brought in from Ukraine, do you think she has the hots for me.

EPSTEIN: Oh yeah I think you can totally make this happen. She's a little freaked out because she is very young and you are a withered husk who looks like the ghost of her dead Ukrainian grandma so try not to let any demons fly out your nose the next time you see her. It was hilarious watching her cry tho.

NFL GUY: Nice. Don't forget to tell her that I can make her a movie star, young chicks love it when ancient walnut shell-looking mummies promise to give them acting careers.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BUT ALSO WEALTHY NFL TEAM OWNER: Damn it I just got indicted for a sex crime.

EPSTEIN: Hey lawyer friend, did you see that guy get indicted for a sex crime? If that guy needs help let me know, I know SO MANY sex crime lawyers in Palm Beach. Say the word and I can send you like twenty different sex crime lawyers.

BIG IMPORTANT GUY NAMED ELON: Hey sex crimes guy, I was thinking maybe I could come visit your sex crimes island sometime. Are you still having your sex crimes parties?

EPSTEIN: GHISLAINE, HELP

GHISLAINE: Oh darn, Elon, it turns out that uhhhh we sold that island. Because it was haunted. Anyway we are definitely not having the sex crime parties anymore. We'll let you know if we start them up again tho.

A DOZEN DIFFERENT CONTRARIAN UNIVERSITY PROFESSORS AND OTHER INSUFFERABLE SOCIAL GADFLIES: Hey Ghislaine, we still on for that sex crime party next week?

GHISLAINE: Oh for sure, just make sure you don't tell Elon. He thinks we stopped doing them.

BARI WEISS: You guys are all so cool, if I'm ever in charge of CBS I'm going to invite every one of you to be on CBS with me.

ONE SPECIFIC INSUFFERABLE UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR: Hey Jeff you know how you keep your sex crimes to yourself, and how none of us know about your secret life of constant sexual predation because none of us are involved with that stuff?

EPSTEIN: Sure do my friend.

SPECIFIC UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR: Yeah I always think that's super neat. Anyhow can you hook me up with that redhead you brought along last time? She seemed super, uh, smart and stuff.

EPSTEIN: Yeah let's meet for coffee, I think I have her yearbook around here somewhere.

EPSTEIN: Hey Brat Ratnerd or whatever your name is, it was great hanging out with you doing totally legitimate not sex crime stuff. Which we do, since I keep my sex crimes to myself and never do sex crimes with the hundreds of men who flock to my weird creepy self for unclear reasons. Anyhow here's a picture I took:

BRAT RATNERD OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS: Wow what a great picture of our totally legitimate not sex crimes, now I suddenly want to make an agonizingly shitty faux-documentary about Donald Trump's dead-eyed wife for some reason.

BIG IMPORTANT GUY NAMED ELON AGAIN: Hey are you sure you're still not having the freaky sex crime parties because I know so many people and they all rave about your sex crime parties.

EPSTEIN: No way dude, they must be talking about a different sex crimes guy. I definitely haven't been having any sex crime parties lately.

BIG IMPORTANT GUY NAMED ELON A FULL DAMN YEAR LATER: Hey so I am REALLY sure you are still having sex crime parties on your sex crime island. I'm gonna head over to your sex crime island next week.

EPSTEIN: Whoa, sorry dude, going through a tunnel right now. I'll get back to you later for sure. Don't come to the island, though, we've got a huge Godzilla infestation right now and the fumigators are here.

EPSTEIN: Hey Peter Thiel, convicted child sex trafficker Jeff Epstein writing you from sex crime island, is it true you're bankrolling a racist pro wrestler's suit against the press outlet that exposed him? Dude, I want in on that, come to my dinner with Chomsky and let's talk.

PETER THIEL: :)

EPSTEIN: Hey lawyer dudes, just checking in here, it turns out this new prison sucks and I hate not being able to do sex crimes. I want to talk to the feds about cutting a deal. I'll squeal on who did horrible gross child rapes with me in exchange for getting sent to a nicer prison.

EPSTEIN'S LAWYERS: Sure thing boss, we talked to President Donald Trump's federal prosecutors and WOW are they eager to hear about who was doing all that pedophilia with you. They said they were gonna go back and make sure they have the proper forms to fill out for that.

EPSTEIN:

EPSTEIN'S LAWYERS: Hey Jeff, just checking in, we told Donald Trump's Justice Department guys that you were ready to squeal, just like you said. They gave a big thumbs-up on that and said they'll get back to us.

EPSTEIN:

EPSTEIN'S LAWYERS: Hey pal, you there? You've been awfully quiet since we told Donald Trump's Justice Department that you were ready to spill the beans on who helped you do all that pedophile stuff in New York and Palm Beach and Pedophile Island and those other places. You sick or something? Hellooooo?

END OF FILES