Mr. President Valve-Turner, please put me in your cabinet

Mr. President Donald Trump sir, I would like to apply for a position in your government. Specifically I think you should make me a cabinet member. I don't know exactly what cabinet members do or why they're called cabinet members, but I watched nearly three hours of them cabineting and from that I gather the main job is to offer you a steady stream of praise so that it's easier for Melania to put you down for your midday nap.

Mr. President sir, I promise you I would be better at flattering you than anyone you have ever met. I was made for this job, and I'm not just saying that because I want to be in charge of the Treasury Department or Labor Department or our national parks. None of these people truly understand your greatness. They are just phoning it in, because they are losers.

There are a lot of people saying you deserve a Nobel Prize, but none of them understand that you deserve all of the Nobel Prizes. You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for trying to free Greenland from Danish oppression. You deserve the Nobel Prize in Literature for the things you write on that social media site that you own. And you deserve the Nobel Prize in Physics for the masterful performance you gave in Home Alone 2.

Scientists may study how gravity holds things together, but the way you held that movie together should be taught in every high school in America.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not see footage of you saying something and say to myself, "Wow, what a big beautiful face that is." If anything I am embarrassed by those banners because they're too small: I want Americans to be able to see every beautiful pore. I want them to lose themselves in the enchanted forest of your eyebrows. I want them to dream of owning just one of your nose hairs.

Why is the banner so small, Mr. President? The Department of Labor could hold a much bigger banner. What if we made a banner of your face that draped from the top of the building to the bottom? We could cut out the mouth-hole and that'd be how your federal workers would get into the building every morning; they would enter through your sacred mouth, the one that dispenses wisdom about which of us are losers and criminals and bad people, and it would be like you were eating them so they'd know who was in charge.

Mt. Rushmore is too small for you, sir; it would be offensive to even think of putting your head alongside Washington, Lincoln, or that other guy when you have done more to make our country great than all of them put together. Put me in charge of NASA, sir, and I will devote however many billions of dollars you give me to a plan to etch your face onto the moon with nuclear moon bombs. I promise you it'll be so classy it'll make people in other countries puke in envy.

What a loser this Scott Bessent is. Did you hear how he sounded like he was about to cry the whole time he was talking to you? Why is he crying? If I were in a room with you I would never cry, I would be too busy having dozens of orgasms from looking at your big beautiful head.

Is he crying because he knows he will never be as sexually attractive as you? He should get over it! Nobody will ever be as masculine and virile and large-thumbed as you, that is just science. He should do his crying at home. I have a shrine to you in my house, and when I feel like crying because I'm so frustrated you didn't win a Nobel Prize for Home Alone 2, I go to my Trump Shrine Room and put on my Trump Was Right hat—which I bought for FULL PRICE, because I wanted to make sure you got your share—and I think about nuking the moon until it looks like your face and it gives me a reason to go on living again.

Oh, he's going to put his statistics on the blockchain? He's gonna print out a government report and put it on the blockchain? What a damn loser. I would put your water glass on the blockchain, sir. I would put those weird golden tumors you've glued to the White House walls on the blockchain. I would put Pete Hegseth on the blockchain. Let's see if that asshole can find his way out of a blockchain, and if he can't I call dibs on running the military.

Do you remember the time when California needed water but they couldn't find anyone strong enough to turn the valve, sir? I bet you don't even think of it anymore, but I think about it every day. There are always droughts in California, and fires, but nobody in California was ever strong enough to turn the big valve so there wasn't anything we could do about it. We even had Arnold Schwarzenegger as our governor for a while, and even he couldn't turn it!

Arnold is a huge guy, and he was in a lot of movies. But he was never able to capture what made Home Alone 2 so great, and he was never able to turn the big valve. But then you came along, and you turned the valve by force and now we have water.

That's why I call you the Valveinator, Mr. President. As far as I'm concerned they should call you President Valveinator, and we should turn Labor Day into Valve Day because nobody in the history of labor was ever able to turn a valve that big. People could celebrate by eating Valvetta and Valvoline, and I would get Val Kilmer to come in his Batman costume and give you the Batman costume and you could be President Batman the Valveinator.

Sir, you are surrounded by losers. None of these people understand the significance of the Valve. They all say they don't like windmills, but I promise you if you say "windmill" to me I will pee my pants on command, just to show Americans how scary they are. Nobody in the meeting ever mentioned Home Alone 2, the movie that proved you were worthy of becoming America's first and most muscular dictator. The moment I saw that movie, though, I knew. I saw it and said "we should overthrow the United States government and instead do whatever Donald Trump says, because this guy is the only guy who could have made this movie work."

I am available anytime, Mr. President. And please consider putting your face on the front of every federal building so that Americans have to walk through your mouth-hole to access any service, make any complaint, or meet with any government functionary. Only then will Americans begin to understand your greatness. You should put your face on the Supreme Court building, too, because I think Chief Justice John Roberts still doesn't understand that you do not mess with the guy from Home Alone 2. I don't trust him, I don't think he orgasmed during your swearing-in ceremony even once.