Dear President Diaperbaby

[To Australian reporter] In my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now. And they want to get along with me. You know, your leader is coming over to see me very soon, I'm going to tell him about you. You set a very bad tone.

From: Prime Minister of Australia Anthony Albanese
To: President of the United States Donald J. Trump

Dear President Trump,

I have been informed that a journalist from my country has offended you, and on behalf of the Australian people I offer my nation's most humble apologies. I have seen the video footage of the journalist's question to you, and can understand your outrage.

I have already spoken to that journalist, and I believe the problem stemmed from cultural ignorance on his part. Here in Australia, journalists often ask confrontational questions even of national leaders and leaders are judged, in part, on their ability to answer calmly and intelligently. It is part of something called a "free press," an unusual institution that not many nations have and not something you've likely run across yourself.

I told the journalist in no uncertain terms that his conduct was unacceptable and insensitive of American values. It may be acceptable to ask harsh questions of the national leader here in Australia, but in the United States journalists, government officials, podcasters, television hosts, and all American girls between the ages of 12 and 17 must spend their every waking moment making sure their very important president does not ever feel bad or fly into a childlike tantrum.

I reminded him that you were a very big, important man and that by making you sad he not only hurt your own feewings, but likely caused chaos in your country as hundreds of top government officials rushed to your side to console you and make those saddy-waddies go away. And, of course, it was likely to have profound implications on the tariff rates set on Australian goods.

I've ordered the journalist to watch the press videos from one of your 3-hour long cabinet meetings so that he can get a better feel for how American leaders expect to be treated. I've also provided him a sample list of questions that would have been more appropriate to the situation.

1. "My goodness, what a big boy you are! Oh! Look at your cute wittle shoes! Look at how cute they are! Do you like your shoesies, Mr. Big Boy?"
2. "Mr. American President sir, you are so good at walking! Look at you go! Are you going to walk to that big helicopter all by yourself? Can you do it? Go ahead, we'll all watch you do it!"
3. "Uh-oh, I think I smell a boom-boom! Did you make a boom boom, Mr. President sir? Mr. Marine, I think President Donnie made a boom-boom, can you come check his boom-boom?"

I have distributed the fuller list of appropriate questions and comments to every journalist in our country, so I sincerely hope this will be the last time I get woken up in the middle of the night to a phone call informing me that someone from our nation has made the leader of the American people have a footie-stomping baby tantrum.

This letter is getting a bit long, sir. Maybe you would like a nap now? Would you like a nap? Why don't you ask Uncle Stephen if he can tuck you in for a widdle nap. Do you need burpies? Go on, let's get you your nap.

Are you back now? Oh good. Was it a good nappy? Did Unkie Steve check for boom-booms? That's wonderful.

As I was saying, I have spoken to the journalist who gave you the saddy-waddys and made sure he understood that what he did was wrong. On behalf of my entire nation, I apologize and hope this will not impact business relations between our two countries.

To signify our continued friendship, I have directed Chief of the Defence Force Adm. David Johnston to deliver, via our fastest military transport, the following gifts:

• A baby rattle for babies

• A teething ring, in case your widdle tooties hurt.

• A Bananas in Pyjamas onesie in the largest size available.

I have also asked that a shipping container of dead box jellyfish be delivered to the White House lawn. In Australian culture, sending someone a shipping container's worth of dead box jellyfish is the highest possible form of apology.

The precise meaning is difficult to convey in your American language, but it symbolizes something like "to me you are so special that I am willing to pay someone to fish up an entire shipping container's worth of box jellyfish and send it to you."

In conclusion, I once again offer my nation's humblest apologies for making you angwy, and thank you for your attention to this widdle matty-watty.