Newest Trump coin depicts him resolutely, uh, pooping his pants?

One of the 2,832 worst things about having to pay attention to aspirational dictator Donald Trump is that he flits so easily between ordering weird, petty things that will likely have no great consequences other than prolonging our own national humiliation and ordering other weird, decidedly not-petty things that have a good chance of killing millions, collapsing our national economy, or rendering the planet an uninhabitable wasteland in which the living will envy the dead.

You never know what it's going to be, when he waddles up to a microphone. Maybe he's going to announce that he's redesigned his new White House ballroom and that the new centerpiece will be an enormous animatronic Himself, one that's been spray-painted gold and which will give you an oversized thumbs-up in exchange for a quarter. Or maybe he's going to announce that he's just shattered global energy markets, leading to gas rationing, global food shortages, and collapsing supply chains, all for no clearly expressible reason and with no solid plan to fix it.

Could be one, could be the other. Not even his own advisers know which it's going to be until he says it.

One of his fixations is on putting his face on everything. Everything, including United States coins, because the man is so much a narcissist that he cannot help but want whatever past and present world dictators get to enjoy. If Caesar could slap his mug on coinage, Donald Wants That Too. And it looks like he's going to get his wish, American laws and regulations be damned, because that's what Republicanism is now.

It is not likely that this move will directly lead to any new global catastrophe. But it is very likely that it will be adding to our national humiliation, because OH MY GOD

I have to emphasize here that this is not a joke. This is the actual design chosen for a new commemorative 24-carat gold coin that will be "as large as possible" and which will feature, on one side, an image of an angry Donald Trump leaning over his desk after crapping his pants, looking for all the world like he's going to have the Secret Service shoot you if you say anything about it.

The other side will feature an eagle carrying off the Liberty Bell, having clearly given up on America. Perhaps he is moving to Canada—God knows the rest of us have considered it.

We've yet to see what "as large as possible" will turn out to be. The U.S. Mint is prohibited from minting coins above 3" in size, but we are almost certain to get a Trump argument that 3 inches actually means 6 inches, at least. Even three inches is a coinage monstrosity—we'll note that the Nobel Peace Prize medal is about 2.6"—and at that size you'll be able to get a good look at Pooping Donald Trump's carefully engraved nose hairs.

Seriously, I can't get over this design. Even if you wanted to plaster Dear Leader's face all over the national coinage, why would you choose "A Clearly Distressed Trump Leans On His Desk, Attempting To Power Through Whatever Gastric Apocalypse Is Making Its Way Through His Bowels."

What are we supposed to think that looks like? Why's he got is little fists clenched? Why's he standing twisted, like he's gotta pee?

Why are the stars misaligned, between the left and right side? Why is the Y shoved right up against the stars, while the L gets more room? Why is "In God We Trust" seemingly painted on the coin as an afterthought, rather then embossed into it like "L I B E R T Y" is?

We're supposed to take for granted that that's the Resolute Desk he's leaning on. Doesn't look a damn thing like it. From here it looks like he's leaning over a hotel balcony, glowering over all the damn teens on their spring break. Maybe he's gonna try to spit on them. Maybe he's already called the front desk to complain about the noise.

Or maybe it's not meant to depict Desk Trump or Balcony Trump, but some unknown third thing. Maybe he's measuring lumber, it's hard to say. All we know for sure is that everybody around Trump, all the people who are spending this brief portion of their pathetic crooked lives trying to come up with new expensive ways to flatter him, are all certain that even if you embossed Donald Trump onto a solid gold coin, the asshole would still look pissed off.

Lest you think this is the full extent of our newest soon-to-be national humiliation, it is not. The Trump regime is planning at least three coins with Trump's scowling face on them, including a new variant of the $1 coin and a $250 gold coin because reasons.

This would appear to be illegal, according to a plain reading of the law. Or, if you're the New York Times (same link as above), we're calling that "legally aggressive" now.

The administration’s move to mint official coins with Mr. Trump’s face is also legally aggressive. An 1866 law called the Thayer Amendment states: “Only the portrait of a deceased individual may appear on United States currency and securities.”

But the Trump administration appears to be resting its actions in part on the argument that a coin is different from currency or a security, and it is not clear whether anyone would have legal standing to challenge the matter in court.

Ah yes. It is the grand conflict of our age: The quarter-millennium traditions laid out by founders like George Washington, who loathed the notion that American leaders might pantomime the trappings of kings, against the most cherished of the Trumpian beliefs: But who's gonna stop me?

Why stop there? Why is it just the dollar coin and two gold monstrosities getting the Angry Trump Face treatment?

Surely, there's at least half of the Dear Leader Arts Commission who are itching to put Trump's face on every American coin. George Washington? He's Donald Trump now. Ben Franklin? Move over, grandpa, there's a new founding manslut now. Jefferson? Nope, all Trump. You could put superimpose Trump's angry face over every eagle, make them angry Trumpeagles. You could switch out the motto, make it In Trump We Trust.

And why shouldn't every coin be three inches wide? Nickels, dimes, quarters, dollars—everything's three inches now, so that Trump's head can be as big as possible. Forget carrying these things in your pocket or purse, you'll need a special harness to lug them around in. And I give it about a month before sweaty red hat-wearing store and booth owners glare it you if you try to pay for your purchase with an old-time Washington instead of Angry Pooping Guy. Your Washingtons are no good here, communist. We only accept Pooping Dons 'round these parts.

This isn't the end of it, we know that. Even as we speak, the latest news is that Donald Trump wants to erect a statue of himself and wants to make his own birthday a federal holiday.

Our lives are going to be nothing but constant cringing, humiliations that will last from now until the nation collapses under the weight of its own stupid coins and statues, from here on in.

And that's if we're lucky. The alternative to all of these petty humiliations is what we're seeing in Iran: When Trump and his team momentarily break out of their cycle of ostentatious self-regard and focus on something more consequential, they invariably fuck it up more fuckingly than any previous national government has fucked up anything in the history of fucking up.

God, we wish these pompous, crooked, day-drinking incompetents would stick to just wrecking our coins and our TSA security videos.